Style Conversational Week 1271: 2K of touché A Q&A with Chris Doyle, The Style Invitational’s 2,000-Ink Man (NRARS.org) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow March 15, 2018 at 3:11 p.m. EDT This week’s Style Invitational contest, Week 1271, celebrates the crrrraaaaazy achievement by Chris Doyle of (after many other places) Denton, Tex. So that Loserdom could get to know this incomparable wordsmith, the Empress asked him a few questions by email. *So what was it in your upbringing or youthful life that made you the future Man With Two Thousand Blots of Ink in The Style Invitational? More prosaically, were you always interested in wordplay? * My earliest exposure to wordplay was as a kid in Providence, R.I., when my dad, an ironworker by trade, would toss off the occasional spoonerism at dinner. My mother taught high school English for two years before leaving to rear five kids; I recall her liking puns. I didn’t read a lot when I was young: math was my favorite subject, English my hardest. Late in high school my brother gave me math/logic puzzle books by Sam Lloyd and Henry Dudeney. I devoured them. Puzzles and wordplay took a back seat during the ’60s, when I spent five years in and out of Brown University before flunking out in ’66 and getting drafted. Two years later, I got married, had a son and transferred to the University of Rhode Island. While in grad school, I bought Willard Espy’s “The Game of Words,” his “Almanac of Words at Play” books, James Lipton’s “An Exaltation of Larks” and Hecht and Hollander’s “Jiggery-Pokery: A Compendium of Double Dactyls.” I was developing a real interest in wordplay, but had no outlet for it. *You had a few blots of Invitational ink in the contest’s early years (you lived in the D.C. area at the time), but it wasn’t until 2000 -- Year 8 of the Invite -- that you began to devote your energies to us. That’s because you were involved with some Empress-like lady in New York, yes?* While working at the federal General Accounting Office in ’77, I came across a cryptic-crossword puzzle on the last page of New York Magazine. And on the pages before it was Mary Ann Madden’s New York Magazine Competition. I was intrigued but hesitated to enter because I was intimidated by the cleverness and literary knowledge on display. But some months later, I decided to give it a go: Competition No. 304 called for answers to the question “Did you read that book on ______?” I mailed in two dozen entries — and because the contest had a one-entry-per-person rule, I mailed in 24 postcards and used aliases in all but one. I got a single ink — first prize (in a co-worker’s name) for this: “Did you read that book on snappy comebacks, you jerk?” “Yes . . . Make that no.” [I had used “schmuck” in the question, but Ms. Madden changed it.] Over the next 20 years I had a lot of success using family and co-workers’ names, getting more ink, in fact, than in my Style Invitational career. In ’89 I moved from GAO to the Department of Defense. When the Invite began in The Post in 1993, Mary Ann griped to me that it was a rip-off of her competition. So out of loyalty I didn’t enter, except Week 79’s irresistible double-dactyl contest, which got me my first Invite ink, a runner-up. Then in 1999, at a meeting of GAO and DoD bigwigs, I happened to be sitting next to future Invite Hall of Famer Russ Beland, a sometime co-worker, and I was taking notes while jotting down ideas for that week’s NY Mag Comp (or maybe it was the other way around), and I noticed Russ doing something similar for the Style Invitational. As we chatted afterward, Russ declared – as only Russ could – that the NY Mag Comp was the “bush league” of word contests. So I entered a few Invites after that, liked it, and dove in the next year. [Madden retired her contest soon afterward; she died last year.] *Your career, while shining in itself -- you were the Chief Actuary for the entire DoD, in charge of determining the financial soundness of various military retirement programs -- might not be the one your Invite-fans would think you had. Was being an actuary a total flip side to your humor-writing avocation — like, say, a defensive tackle who becomes a wizard at petit-point embroidery -- or are there some qualities that you call upon in both fields?* Yes to “flip-side.” And no to qualities in common. Actuaries are like accountants, but without the sense of humor. Okay, that’s a joke. The people in my office were a funny, witty bunch of nerds. Some of them even enjoyed their first-prize New York Magazine subscriptions. *I’d imagine that you’ve developed a pretty systematic approach to entering the Invitational every week through the years. Can you tell about your weekly Invite routine, and about how it’s changed over the years with changes in the contest, the advent of the Internet, and other developments between 2000 and 2018? Which are your favorite and least favorite types of contests?* Since these days the new contest comes out online on Thursday, five days before the deadline for the previous contest, I don’t always get to it right away. When I do, I first work on revised titles. If it’s a repeated contest, I read the earlier results and look back at my entries that didn’t ink, to see if I can improve on them. From there, it depends on the contest type. Some take a lot of grinding and digging, like the Tile Invitationals and Mess With Our Heads . Others, like puns, allow you to think of entries on the fly. The Internet has streamlined my routine. I used to rely solely on my collection of reference books to get ideas, but Wikipedia, thesaurus.com, onelook, rhymezone, IMDB, etc., are now instantly accessible. During the contest period, I jot down potential ideas, puns, line of poetry, what-have-you when I’m not at my laptop. Pencils and paper sit on my nightstand, in the bathroom, in our car, and in our office. Someone mentioned that I /could/ untether myself from my laptop if I had a smartphone. But I can’t even figure out how to text on my flip-phone. Favorite contests? The two annual foal-naming contests! I used to love limericks but tired of them after writing 5,000+ for OEDILF.com and hundreds for the Invite’s own 14 Limerixicons. The same goes for song parodies and obit poems; it’s increasingly harder for me to get up the energy to write them. Neologisms are still fun, though, because they’re easy to think up. *Dedicated fans of the Invite know that you are perhaps the most peripatetic of Losers: (Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.) became (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.), then (Kihei, Hawaii), (The Villages, Fla.), (Ponder, Tex.), and now (Denton, Tex.). And most endearingly, you’ve traveled around the world more than once, entering the Invite at every port: I remember when you spent a ferry ride between the two halves of New Zealand working on a contest in which you researched the local phone books. Have you settled down some?* I’ve settled down /a lot/— right into my La-Z-Boy every day, to get relief for my lower back. Yikes, that sounds depressing! I’m doing much better on my new meds. Most of my free time goes to reading, following political blogs, and watching soccer, Netflix movies, and TV. Karen and I are on a temporary break from 30 years of ballroom dancing. Oh, and I play around with the Invite from time to time (8 a.m. to midnight) but that’s not really “free” time for an obsessed Loser, is it? *Before you moved away from the D.C. area, I met you in person at the Losers’ Flushies awards in, I think, 2002, and once or twice at a weekly trivia game. When are you going to visit Washington? This year’s Flushies are on Saturday, June 9, but of course the Losers would happily gather to meet you whenever you could come. Is there a chance?* I doubt it. Our main connection to the D.C. area ended last year when our youngest son moved from Chantilly, Va. to St. Augustine, Fla. And he just ordered a recliner for me. I can’t pass that up. *AND THE D-O-Y-L-E CONTEST? ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT IT? * Just a couple of things: In our last neologism contest, for words “discovered” in various letters sets from the ScrabbleGrams word game, I neglected to specify that you could also use real, existing words as well as ones that you thought up — which was immediately noticed when a zingy definition for “layaway” won the whole Week 1266 contest . This time, though: *It has to be a neologism or a new phrase, * not just a funny definition for an existing one. I decided this on the hunch that there would be too many existing words to use, given that you can add as many letters as you like, and whichever ones you like, to the required five. One quality that makes an impressive neologism is to show how it can be used in a broader context — one we could use in real life — than just what you’re punning on. I’m reminded of one of last week’s runners-up, “umply,” which Sarah Jay defined as “smugly adhering to the rules.” But instead of a sample sentence like “ ‘You were two inches too far from the base path — you’re out!’ he declared umply,” Sarah offered the funnier and more interesting “ ‘No, I’m afraid you can’t build a hotel on Water Works,’ Joe declared umply.” And a more universal neologism usually will beat out one that is too specific for real use, such as “Llumppy: Description of growths on a llama.” *LOOK WHO’S HAWKING*: THE WINNINGLY BAD SPOKESMEN OF WEEK 1267* /Non-inking headline by Beverley Sharp, whose “Shill Shock” got ink instead because it fit on the print page/ “Truly offensive. Well done,” pronounced Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood yesterday upon reading the results of Week 1267. You might have thought it difficult to top the outrageousness of using a sermon by Martin Luther King to sell trucks during the Super Bowl, but you might not be well acquainted with the talents of the Style Invitational Loser Community. I’d warned Week 1267 contestants in this column: “Time to try to make fun of bad taste with stuff that’s printable!” And while I did reject a number of entries that were simply too obviously a no-go (along with one that I dropped at the last minute), this week’s inking bad ideas for celebrity spokespeople certainly reflect a feel for exactly what bad taste is. Our Losers’ Circle of the winner and runners-up isn’t filled this time with the Obsessives who’ve amassed Doylish vats of ink. Well, okay, third-placer Gary Crockett, 341 blots, that’s pretty much insane. But John McCooey gets his second Invite win, and 58th blot of ink, with his shoe-pun dig at a hopefully soon forgotten white-supremacist anti-Semitic slogan. Jeff Hazle gets the steak socks — or were they supposed to be bacon? —for Ink No. 86, and Dave Airozo his 14th (and 15th), just his second ink “above the fold.” And while we had no First Offenders this week, we did have some rare visitors: Darren Timothy reappeared after 13 years to finally jump off the One Hit Wonders chart and onto the regular stats list, as did George Wright — after a full two decades. *What Doug Dug:* The Norwoodian faves this week were Gary’s runner-up of Steve Bannon for Neutrogena (“I don’t use it”); John McCooey’s winner; Bill Dorner’s Satan for Prada; Will Stutzman (last ink: Week 1016) playing on the Folgers slogan; David Peckarsky, with a Dolly Parton joke that went beyond just ‘Tata”; Jesse Frankovich’s George W. Bush cutely mangling the Washington Post motto (this was also copy editor Vince Rinehart’s fave); and John Kupiec’s “And last” entry, Gene Weingarten for Men’s Wearhouse. (I had dinner with Gene last week at a nice restaurant, and in his defense, his sweatshirt had no visible tears or stains.) *Not even for the Super Bowl: The Unprintables :* To be fair, some of these weren’t in bad taste so much as being too graphic. But they’re all pretty funny, if you’re not easily offended. (If you are, STOP HERE.) Anthony Scaramucci promotes Hot Yoga: “Become so limber you can suck your own…’ (Drew Bennett) Kanye West for Trojan Extended Climax Control condoms: “…Imma let you finish.” (Danielle Nowlin) Heidi Fleiss for Ford: “We’ll put you in an Escort today!” (Mark Raffman, who didn’t want this in the actual Invite and suggested a blander version; it didn’t get ink) Harvey Weinstein for Preparation H....”Take it from a perfect a-hole, this stuff is great.” (Jon Ketzner) Jackie Kennedy Onassis for Tide to Go: “Wear pink again.” (Kevin Dopart) Lance Armstrong for Fisher Nuts. “You can’t have just one.” (Bird Waring) Monica Lewinsky for the Catholic Church: “You won’t regret the time you spend on your knees!” (Duncan Stevens) As I mentioned before, I cut one entry at the last minute, because Doug was worried about the ethnic slur and wanted me to ask a higher-ranking editor. And if I did that, I’d risk that the editor would want to cut a whole bunch of this week’s entries — and so Warren Tanabe is robbed of ink in the service of the Greater Bad with: Archie Bunker for Rosetta Stone: “Learno el languagio of el spicko in solo uno momento.” At least Warren gets ink for his hilariously breathless soft-porn Danielle Steel parody featuring the cable repairman. *LAST CALL FOR BRUNCH IN OLD TOWN! * Join me and various Losers this Sunday at noon at Chadwick’s, near the river in Old Town Alexandria, Va.. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) will be in town, and since (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church) has just become (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria), she’ll be there too. And the Royal Consort will even show, if his tennis match doesn’t happen. For info and to RSVP, go to NRARS.org and click on “Our Social Engorgements.”